Knackered.
Healthcare professional told me I’m heading for a stroke the way I’m going.
I lay down today to meditate and what came into my mind was the black rabbit of death from watership down telling me I’ve done my bit and deserve to rest now.
Then it turned into Anubis and asked me if I want to go with it.
I realised I’m ready.
Looked at all the things I have left to let go of.
Which basically is my son and with the way things are that’s going to be hard on him.
There’s so much I want to talk with people about pushing back the limits of human awareness and what I’ve learned about it in this life, but what it all comes down to is an Alan Watts quote:
“All decisions as to who is crazy are a question of majority vote as to what is reality. Reality is what it is according to the kind of senses you have. The awkward matter for decision is when a Human being has a different kind of consciousness from the average. To make the decision, is he advanced and seeing new things that nobody has seen before or is he retarded? And hasn’t yet developed what the rest of us have. This is a very difficult decision to make.” Alan Watts
https://youtu.be/eHrVLik3OcE
See, the thing is, there are and were and will be, others like me, who have learned how, who can talk with so-called discarnate entities, for guidance in perceptual evolution, spiritual evolution, however people describe it.
I got really far with it in my 20s and what I’ve lived through since then has been verifying it to me.
Im at a time when all the threads I saw back then have come full circle.
We are supposed to respectfully say; all the time we get from here onward is a blessing.
To be honest it feels more like giving in and shutting down internally and becoming an automaton, performing necessary tasks and being ok with that because the pointless futility of fighting to retain and imprint any sense of individuality, which used to drive me like the spark of life-fire of the self; I need all my energy for healing instead.
I have to give up if I want to stay down here.
And I want neither thing.
I want peace yes.
Alan Watts also said this:
”A completely predictable future is already the past.”
I’ve recognised that’s where I belong.
I don’t have the energy to go out and experience new experiences to grow from.
Most people I meet can’t cope with the full deep truth of my internal balance from assimilation of all what I have already been through.
So it all becomes about supporting the next generation better than I ever before thought I possibly could.
And compromising that with my own physical needs to maintain this wreck of a shell.
I need sleep.
Pure, undisturbed and infinite.
With sufficient spiritual energy the self-awareness can step through into any known world. It is what the imagination/imaging faculty is for.
We live in an infinite macrocosm, therefore there is no limit to where we can go after leaving behind the dimension of mass-time, other than our own lack of imagination to access it.
That’s what ascension is, going up through higher-vibrational frequencies toward whichever the hearts magnetic attraction draws us toward.
Without the compromises of flesh nor earthly culture.
So by overcoming fear of dying, accepting what I am afraid of is the overbearing people who have in my life bullied me in whatever way, who restricted my freedom to be happy simply being.
And of being unable to provide for my loved ones, because modernity is sickness.
Becoming a burden to others and especially to those others who do recognise my value, which isn’t many of them.
And yet there is the strength, the inner core, fearless because it is truth by its very existence. The nature of self without distraction. No id or super-ego. No wants but to cease being and yet to remain being.
Only then can we experience pure sight. More so than from any overwhelming emotion. Multifaceted iris explored throughout time to help guide us to the perfect harmony of an empty centre.
To die and yet to wake up again refreshed and of sharper focus, deeper clarity, more penetrating truth of insight observing the world in its interconnectedness. What once was called wisdom.
A creed once lived by, that to know the future gives a human responsibility to change it.
My whole lifetime I was apologetic at living and remorseful for the impact I had on the otherwise better world which would have been had I not been here interfering with that flow.
Only now do I see how it was counterbalance to the polarised instinct of wanting to assert my unique me-ness into the world as much as humanly possible.
Punishment for attempting to do that. Resentment from others where I succeeded in some insignificantly tiny way.
I should have filled it up with art. That was the role chosen for me by others who did not understand about developing the inner-eye vs projecting the egotists vision into canvas for others to share and boost a national economy with.
There’s enough shit in this world already. I don’t even want my body, much less take up even more space with pointless visual delusions.
We’re there one memory I would like to leave, to help others, it is this mantra:
“If it’s not Love, it’s not good enough.”
And satirically, because being a writer and all, a comment on mainstream modernity:
“Love is not good enough for them.”
I would carve that front and back of my own gravestone if I had stonecarving tools.
Its all I ever truly had to offer and most of them resented me for it.
Said every mendicant spiritist ever.