Over The Load

Over The Load


“We’re over. I’m over you.”

“You’re still clearly not. You’re not over your last ex yet, either, from all the times you mentioned your anger and upset about him. I know how humans are and I know you intimately enough to know this, so don’t lie to me about it. You’re putting shields up, that's all. And you’re indoctrinating yourself into routine-responses hoping I will conform to your self-delusion. When we step outside of the world of mind-games, lies and self-delusions, we step into a more real reality. You know that we still ‘have feelings’ about each other. You’re in denial. I do not have to accept your lies as reality. You lie to me about having gotten over me, so I can only assume you’re also lying about our relationship finishing.

Because, simply put: we are both in the world and we are still communicating. The scientists, buddhists, and energy workers alike all say the same thing; nothing ends. It changes but it does not end. Human delusion draws a line and says ‘try to ignore the far side of it’. I do not have to draw that line at all. That is what experiencing Truth is. I do not have to draw that line where other people choose to put it or try to persuade and coerce me to re-affirm their own delusion.

I believe from experience; all delusions are toxic (to varying degrees). The more delusional a person is, the more toxic they are. I do not intend to be toxic, most certainly not to please other people’s toxic attitudes and delusional beliefs. Because I am Human. That is what it is, to be Human.”

“Overload. Too much information. Evidence that you are disfunctional.”

“The worlds of words are confusion. The world of intuition is divine. I am providing you with as a friend and as a Human Being. I am doing my job as a communicator and as a Healer. It is called, encouraging you to think straight. Don’t talk me cheap, I am better than that.

You say it’s over between us, you have a problem and you are using me as a buffer for it. That is not ‘our relationship being over’ at all. You’re lying, I am asking you to stop doing that. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to other people.”

“You won’t back down.”

“I’m not trying to intimidate you into staying in a relationship with you. I’m being a brilliant boyfriend and teaching you about psychology. You’re a difficult one. Im helping you to overcome that difficulty. If what you mean is, you don’t want to have sex with me - at the moment you are too toxic and low on energy for that to be anything worthwhile apart from some momentary pleasure. You probably do need sexual healing and regularly because most people do, we are designed that way. You’re carrying the mental virus which mixes up sexuality with control, domination, energy games. It’s vampirism. I agree, that part of our relationship is over for today at least. You’d have to be an extremist to say ‘for ever’ because who knows. Apart from us who know how beautiful and brilliant we were together before you changed. You are playing energy-strategies, and i am already putting far more into you than you are putting into me. What comes out of it, for me is clarification and ability to share with others this information. Communicator, healer, doing my job in the community.”

“You talk too much.”

“I need to distract myself, both of us. Im playing your game. We could sit here in silence long enough to face the deeper truths of how we feel, finding a level between us. We both know that contains a lot of sexual energy. You asked me to avoid it, i am. That's why I keep talking.”

“I wish you’d shut up.” (What you say hurts my brain because it goes against what my mind says

“Is that why you have been avoiding me?”

“Yes. No. Which bit? You confused me.”

“You’re here because you are trying to get over me, because your mind says you should do that. The confusion is that we both enjoy sex and we both recently enjoyed it with each other. Our bodies are both craving one another and we are facing that. The mind says to turn away from accepting it and going forward in that direction to embrace each other. It’s ripping us in half so we are facing down the desire until it becomes easier to do so. To begin with it upset us both to do that, was emotionally painful. We need to care for our bodies, emotions and minds. When sex is good it heals all that. For whatever reason, your top-heavy and your mind is saying to break apart. You created that. My job is to determine if its a permanent split or simply a re-orientation so we can come back at it from a better angle in future, to build on what we already achieved. One of us gets to make the decision for both of us.”

“That will be me. I’m in control.”

“You are battling your left-brain. We both are. Thats where your imbalance is. Previously, you found sexuality to be a very powerful way to shut it off. It is. It is our and other species design blueprint after all.”

“I should go now.”

“It’s very difficult for men in this generation. Traditionally, one person making the decision for both permitted the man to ‘be a man’ and step forward to the challenge, to physically embrace you with a hug which we both need, all people need hugs its natural. To take that further. To enter us into the realm of sensual and sexual healing instead of words and power games. To initiate balance. Thats how basic it has been traditionally and we are hardwired for that from our species social evolution encoded into our dna.

In todays culture it is women who are permitted to be that yang aspect and any man who speaks out against female supremacy is persecuted for being a mysoginist and promotor of rape culture. If, at this time when you are telling me it is over between us, I were to make any attempt to touch you physically in any way, or even simply to say words of encouragement in the direction of our reunion, which in my opinion is preferable than people splitting up, or words testing your resolve; I would be committing a criminal act of sexual coercion or sexual assault, for which you can have me punished through the court system. So I can do none of that stuff without putting myself at risk. You are indeed the one in control. All I can do is write about how men feel as well as I can. I could be writing about exploitation of men in relationships.”

“Write about whatever you want, I won’t ever read it.” And she is thinking, ‘I don’t want a write with a clever brain, I want a simple guy who can fuck me on tap and piss off when I need my own space’.

And he is thinking; ‘I can hear her thoughts and I agree with wanting exactly the same thing, which is exactly what we had before we got confused and started conforming to social normalities (external to our private world, imported in, mind-virus) of not being seen to be in that sort of relationship because public image says it’s wrong where practicality says its successful.'

And he is also thinking: "I will write about whatever I want regardless of your opinion. You don't own my creative outlet."

So he says, not for the first time; “Human Evolution is always going to be the path of convenience.” This time he adds; “Regression is the path of pain. A great spiritual teacher, Vasseius taught us; ‘The pain which we feel is the Love we with-hold.’ He came a long way to remind us that specific thing. It’s the advice we need to hear.”