Friday, 12 April 2019

meditation

Knackered.

Healthcare professional told me I’m heading for a stroke the way I’m going.

I lay down today to meditate and what came into my mind was the black rabbit of death from watership down telling me I’ve done my bit and deserve to rest now.

Then it turned into Anubis and asked me if I want to go with it.

I realised I’m ready.

Looked at all the things I have left to let go of.

Which basically is my son and with the way things are that’s going to be hard on him.

There’s so much I want to talk with people about pushing back the limits of human awareness and what I’ve learned about it in this life, but what it all comes down to is an Alan Watts quote:

“All decisions as to who is crazy are a question of majority vote as to what is reality. Reality is what it is according to the kind of senses you have. The awkward matter for decision is when a Human being has a different kind of consciousness from the average. To make the decision, is he advanced and seeing new things that nobody has seen before or is he retarded? And hasn’t yet developed what the rest of us have. This is a very difficult decision to make.” Alan Watts

https://youtu.be/eHrVLik3OcE

See, the thing is, there are and were and will be, others like me, who have learned how, who can talk with so-called discarnate entities, for guidance in perceptual evolution, spiritual evolution, however people describe it.

I got really far with it in my 20s and what I’ve lived through since then has been verifying it to me.

Im at a time when all the threads I saw back then have come full circle.

We are supposed to respectfully say; all the time we get from here onward is a blessing.

To be honest it feels more like giving in and shutting down internally and becoming an automaton, performing necessary tasks and being ok with that because the pointless futility of fighting to retain and imprint any sense of individuality, which used to drive me like the spark of life-fire of the self; I need all my energy for healing instead.

I have to give up if I want to stay down here.

And I want neither thing.

I want peace yes.

Alan Watts also said this:

”A completely predictable future is already the past.”

I’ve recognised that’s where I belong.

I don’t have the energy to go out and experience new experiences to grow from.

Most people I meet can’t cope with the full deep truth of my internal balance from assimilation of all what I have already been through.

So it all becomes about supporting the next generation better than I ever before thought I possibly could.

And compromising that with my own physical needs to maintain this wreck of a shell.

I need sleep.

Pure, undisturbed and infinite.

With sufficient spiritual energy the self-awareness can step through into any known world. It is what the imagination/imaging faculty is for.

We live in an infinite macrocosm, therefore there is no limit to where we can go after leaving behind the dimension of mass-time, other than our own lack of imagination to access it.

That’s what ascension is, going up through higher-vibrational frequencies toward whichever the hearts magnetic attraction draws us toward.

Without the compromises of flesh nor earthly culture.

So by overcoming fear of dying, accepting what I am afraid of is the overbearing people who have in my life bullied me in whatever way, who restricted my freedom to be happy simply being.

And of being unable to provide for my loved ones, because modernity is sickness.

Becoming a burden to others and especially to those others who do recognise my value, which isn’t many of them.

And yet there is the strength, the inner core, fearless because it is truth by its very existence. The nature of self without distraction. No id or super-ego. No wants but to cease being and yet to remain being.

Only then can we experience pure sight. More so than from any overwhelming emotion. Multifaceted iris explored throughout time to help guide us to the perfect harmony of an empty centre.

To die and yet to wake up again refreshed and of sharper focus, deeper clarity, more penetrating truth of insight observing the world in its interconnectedness. What once was called wisdom.

A creed once lived by, that to know the future gives a human responsibility to change it.

My whole lifetime I was apologetic at living and remorseful for the impact I had on the otherwise better world which would have been had I not been here interfering with that flow.

Only now do I see how it was counterbalance to the polarised instinct of wanting to assert my unique me-ness into the world as much as humanly possible.

Punishment for attempting to do that. Resentment from others where I succeeded in some insignificantly tiny way.

I should have filled it up with art. That was the role chosen for me by others who did not understand about developing the inner-eye vs projecting the egotists vision into canvas for others to share and boost a national economy with.

There’s enough shit in this world already. I don’t even want my body, much less take up even more space with pointless visual delusions.

We’re there one memory I would like to leave, to help others, it is this mantra:

“If it’s not Love, it’s not good enough.”

And satirically, because being a writer and all, a comment on mainstream modernity:

“Love is not good enough for them.”

I would carve that front and back of my own gravestone if I had stonecarving tools.

Its all I ever truly had to offer and most of them resented me for it.

Said every mendicant spiritist ever.

Thursday, 28 March 2019

Duality

This blog is about seeing things in two ways at the same time.


It’s also from experience dealing with the control-games which covert-narcissistic-abusers play and how they get away with it by making their victims appear crazy. 

It probably has other uses. 



A five stage plan

+1+1-2+1-2  =  -1

+1 ‘good’
+1 ‘good’
-2 ‘oops, forgive me?’
+1 ‘see, we fixed it’
-2 ‘whack’

“Fool me once, more fool you. 
Fool me twice, more for me.”

Face Value

If measured in black and white, in stages, counting the number of plus vs the number of minus: 
At face value, we have three positive and two negative. That’s a gross gain.

“The good outweighs the bad.”


Deeper Truth

Going by the actual maths, we have three positive and four negative. That’s a gross loss. 

“The bad outweighs the good.”


We can simplify this down even further.

A three stage plan
+1 -2 +1  =  +/-0  ‘breaks even.’ 

We can simplify this even further.


A two stage plan
+1 -2  =  -1  ‘cut your losses’





LINK to another awesome blog / info about narcissistic abuse

EndOfEmo


END OF EMO
undermining toxic feminism 

  1. Background

He explained to her that he has funds for only one trip until payday, and gave her the option of seeing him the first weekend or second weekend. She chose the first weekend. 

Two days after his visit she messaged him that she was upset because she had already used up a months supply of pharmacy chemicals in two weeks and coming off them had depressed her, so she wanted him again immediately. 

He explained again that he could not jump to obey simply because she clicked her fingers, besides which he has adult responsibilities which take priority over a someone he has only known for less than a month, which he cannot drop to please her demands. 

He did not mention that he cannot function well with a pharmaceutical drug-addict controlling his life with her chemically-imbalanced mood swings.

He had not jumped to obey, so the goalposts had shifted. Now it was that he had upset her. She had transferred blame onto him for not supporting her drama and supplying her with attention. To her mind this is a red flag that he is unsupportive in a relationship. 

She played a gambit of texting him that she wanted to end the relationship, hoping to provoke a reaction from him that he would be upset at losing her enough to put his life on hold, get himself in debt and visit her immediately. 

At this point it should be mentioned that she has a car and a much bigger budget than him, for petrol. It should also be mentioned that he has slept 5 nights at her place and she has slept zero nights at his place. 

  1. Text Message Dialogue: 

HER: “Moved on .. but please still be my friend. Luv u”

HIM: “That you’re texting me at 2am to tell me you’ve moved on, shows you clearly haven’t. Persuading yourself to make it real? I have explained already, I do not have time for relationship games. If you’ve moved on stop texting me that you love me etc.  Go to sleep.”

HER: “K meant in endearing way.  Fine. Night”

HIM: “Hi. I want to stay friends too. Today I’m taking people to the food bank so they and their kids can eat. I’m needed here too. No hard feelings.”

HER: “Have a good day lovely”

HER: “Sorry about it all,  and the way it turned out.  I wanted to talk to you about things before.. But was being a chicken.  And scared of like bugging you or possible you off. (my insecurity issues)  I had had the gut it may not have come across so bad last night. Anyway jyst wanted to tell u that. I hope we can stay friends,  and I hope your helping friends goes all good today.  And thank you for saying no hard feelings ect.”

HER: “Goodnight,  hope you've had good day“

HER: “Lost my diamond out of my ring just noticed the stone is missing gutted”

HIM: “I lost a girlfriend this week”

HER: “Ok..  Who was she then?”

HIM: “Someone who moved on”

HER: “Lol.  Maybe she was just saying it to try to be strong.. Maybe she was hurt. Who knows. Anyway I still can't find Diamond. Gutted”

HIM: “Maybe if she gives me no choice but to make a decision between, 
1. understanding her words and respecting their integrity, or 
2. ignoring her words and doing the opposite which is at face value abusive, and being expected to telepathically know that what she actually wants is the opposite of what she says she wants, and entangle myself into her confusing control games; ...maybe I’m going to choose to put my own responsibilities before somebody else’s irresponsibilities.”

HIM: [blocks her number]

HER: [from a different number] “I think this has all got out of hand. I tried to show love and kindness to you and then it all got confusing. I’m sorry if I upset you in any way, wasn’t my intention. Sending love and best wishes.”

HIM: [blocks her other number]


  1. Conclusion

His thoughts on the matter. He does not send this as a message.

Dominating someone with face-value sweetness is still domination; which undermines the face-value sweetness. 
If she is (as she claims to be) insecurity issues; she are still coming across as dominating, by excessive messages, and even after telling him she has moved on, and even after he blocked her number. 
He recognises all this as instability, which is a part of what he meant by ‘irresponsibility’. 

Insecure-yet-dominating is confusing because it is contradiction. It is also leverage for poor-me control-games, which is very much what we are experiencing here.

Allegedly he is ‘out of hand’ because he does not want to be involved in controlling relationship games, which are widely identified as domestic abuse. The abuser blaming the victim by describing the abused as the abuser is an aspect of classic covert narcissism. 

He decides that if she arrives to see him at this point it will constitute stalking and harassment. In that situation he would be within his right to protect himself by making a complaint about her to the police. 


Thursday, 31 January 2019

Mistborn



mistborn by brandon sanderson. 

I read ch1.
I put it down for a busy week. 
I started over and could not put it down.
Back to back in a blur of days.

I thought, often; this is amazing.
I thought, often; this is inspiration for JadePunk 
(Tales of Kausao city) by ryan danks.

Two days after finishing it I was craving, withdrawal symptoms, 
reminiscent of FireFly after the first time you binge-watch it. 
Lucky lucky lucky there’s a sequal! 
Currently in the snailmail ...
 actually theres two sequals and then four more ‘next era’ novels. 

Its the very best fantasy book I have read in a long, long time,
Since mervyn peake’s Gormengast trilogy.
My number one in the genre. 



Friday, 4 January 2019

Paradigm War

“There are three evolutionary stages. The consensus, the individuated, and the spiritual.” Tom Lescher / Kaypacha (3.1.19)


There’s one way of thinking that emotionally unavailable partners are abusive, and another way of thinking that emotionally reactive partners are abusive. 

Both of these are described unprofessionally as symptoms of narcissism. Yet they are polar opposites. 

At this stage, a sane person questions the system of analysis, the way of thinking we are using to orient us in relating with these people. 

Regardless of how they are behaving, the way we ourselves are behaving by judging them one way or another, is inefficient. Were it efficient, it would not fall into two polarized camps to create the same conclusion. 

Recognition immediately that we are being socially engineered, because no matter which camp we fall into, the outcome is the same, the result is the same. 

We are coerced to judge the ones behaving differently from us to be psychotic, and that is how we relate to them forever after. 

The purpose of that social engineering is to encourage people not to have human relationships, but to believe each other to be psychotic, to avoid, fear and hate each other. 

Nothing can be resolved in that environment. But everything can be exploited! Which of course is the purpose of the social-engineers. Segregation through cultural programming is a tool used in population management. 


Thursday, 3 January 2019

AUTISM

At the age of 41 I have been professionally diagnosed, finally, as being high functioning autistic. 

What this means is that I can operate relatively well in normal society, mostly, except that I have communication difficulties. I’ve known that since childhood when my parents were on a completely different planet to me, it did not help that society ignores children generally. 

So for my whole life, ever since I could read and write, I’ve studied writing as a form of communication. I am a published author, and I have have a website which verifiably has upwards of 500 people a week reading it. 

That might not be famous but were those people to line up and shake my hand so I can say thank you to them, it would appear to be quite a lot of people. It is certainly more people than I socialize with on a regular basis. 

I mention this not for ego purpose, but to illustrate how successful I have become in overcoming my communication problems from being autistic, by relying on the written word instead of speech. 

In social situations I feel pressure from other people, because of their expectancies and prejudices. It affects how my brain functions, and my ability to put words together coherently, to be accurate. 

Generally it is easier for me to nod my head and agree with their pre-conception, instead of having to explain to them because nine times in ten they’re not listening anyway. That’s not my bad, that’s their bad but I’m the one who gets ignored because of an assumed dominant narrative.

The availability of text in our digital culture makes it possible for me to have an internet-based social life where I can express myself far more accurately than in the pressure of social situations. And for me that’s what it’s like being autistic.

My typing speed is off the top of the scale. The problem I have is when during text message conversation, being a writer used to relying on words, I am likely to write more than a paragraph where the other conversationalist writes less than one sentence. It is misperceived as being a power imbalance. Simply because of word count, “outweighing” the other person. 

A problem I have is that were people to talk conversationally the same way that most people use text, it would appear rude and abrasive. Monosyllabic responses, and short, curt sentences, are regarded as rude indeed aggressive when spoken.

So when I read this, I naturally regard it as a person being rude and hostile toward me. This, because it is different to how everybody else interprets text, is described as being a symptom of my autism.

The law in Britain has recently changed regarding harassment, in that a top heavy text message conversation is now regarded by the police to be a form of abuse. 

Abruptly, it is no longer accepted that my intent is good and prolification is an aspect of high functioning autism. It is perceived that I am a problem simply because I am attempting to communicate effectively and intelligently. I have been dehumanized by an agenda of exploiting hatred. Dehumanization is prejudice by default. 

I have encountered several people who have manipulated me by contacting the police because they sent me a few words and I sent them several paragraphs to fully answer their question, which obviously takes up more than 10 seconds of everyone’s time. 

A lot of people incorrectly assess it as a sign that I am narcissistic and overbearing. I am not narcissistic and my intention is not to be overbearing. I describe things as succinctly as I possibly can. The law does not take into account that most people are being rude when they text each other because like cavemen they use only monosyllables. 

So what can I do? Writing this statement is progressive in explaining what it is like having autism and the prejudices I face because of other people’s cognitive bias, which has developed from their lack of empathy toward suffers of autism. It is convenient for disfunctional, anger driven people who lack empathy to use it as leverage, to put blame on a person who is simply attempting to communicate well. 

When determining what ‘appropriate levels’ are, in a fair world it should be factored into the equation that the intention of the person making the statement, is relevant in assessing appropriateness. 

Otherwise we have a dynamic of the one person dominating what ‘appropriateness’ is, with zero compromise. The power imbalance in that situation is the opposite to blaming the wordsmith for harassment. 

Thankfully, the court service do recognize that dynamic for what it is, even where police and manipulative haters do not. This has been proved by my own experiences.

As an autistic person, with communication difficulties, the biggest thing I wish to communicate to everybody else, is how vulnerable autistic people are to being manipulated by those non-empathetic people who gain a false sense of superiority and authority by painting the autist out to be a bad person. They get away with it because their victim has communication problems and is unable to express themselves properly in face-to-face situations.

That’s my life story.

I am sincerely attempting to remedy that situation by reducing word count. The resolution I have come to is simply this: some people write for money, some people get paid per word. As a general life rule, I now value my writing at 1p per word. Every time I send somebody a text, I imagine I am sending them free money. Because, I should be working on my novel instead of distracted by other people texting me. This simple life rule helps me to keep my word count down to a bare minimum.

And at this juncture, you probably want to be less distracted by the internet and instead return to whatever you should be doing instead. Thank you for investing some attention into Autism Awareness.