Monday, 16 November 2020


A short few years after the millennium. It was 2005, give or take. I met an old boy in Newport city, South Wales. At the time I was a young man in my early 20s. We got chatting. 

He told me that his grandfather had been a Navy man responsible for clearing out the stores. Nobody are done that for quite some time. At the back of the stores he discovered barrels of salted meat which had been there since the Napoleonic wars. 

Being courageous they decided to test the Navy’s traditional methods for food preservation. They cooked them up. 

The meat had not rotted at all. It was so well preserved they ate a delicious meal from it, imagining themselves sharing the same meal as their forebears. 

Which, by some way is quite literally true as the cow involved had indeed been alive during the lifetime of Napoleon and had been shared by men living a century apart. 

The Napoleonic wars between the British and the French, according to the official records, lasted between 1803 and 1813 (Wikipedia). 

I was listening to the story 200 years after the event. The gentleman’s grandfather we can assume ate the meat 100 years after the event, give or take.

This says much for food preservation techniques which existed before modern electric fridges.

His words were: “We living now assume it is old history. Storybook, not the lives of real people. But remember those barrels of meat. That is how close we are.”

I do not remember the gentleman’s name. But I remember the information he saw fit to pass forward from his life experiences and wisdom. May this blog serve somewhat is an epitaph. 

Sunday, 15 November 2020


Involved with attachment theory is self valuation versus seeking valuation from others. 

If you seek your own valuation from others, they will exploit you. Indeed, many game strategies employed by shades of grey narcissists, depend on you seeking your validation from them. 

It is this, and not codependency, which is resulted in people resenting codependents. 

To disempower a narcissist, stop seeking valuation from them. It is that simple. Indeed, stop seeking valuation from anybody else ever.

The shortcut to attain that in a stability is the following truth:

You are on this planet. 

Everything else is games. 

The game of going to a river to drink or holding your head up to drink rainwater from the sky. The game of hunting for food and gathering berries. 

These are simple and pure games as is the game of planting seeds to eat the vegetables when they grow later in the year. 

Much beyond that involves relying on other people to some extent and this is why game strategy becomes important as an awareness. 

We developed the trade tool of money to alleviate manipulation and exploitation because everybody agrees the value of a coin is what it says on a coin. 

People will disagree about absolutely everything else. 

Including for example how many of those coins you need to purchase this food. It is all about value and value systems. We project onto the external world value systems relative to our needs. 

There is a big difference between our Needs and our Wants. We can live without our Wants; we cannot live without our Needs. If it is a want, you don’t need it. Focus on what do you need.

Friday, 13 November 2020

Psycho Update


The year narcissists ran out of supply,

invented creative excuses 

to harass strangers to get it. 

To whom it may concern (police, board of governors, education authority, etc),

I received a phone call from my sons school to collect him because he was ill. In this time of coronavirus it constitutes a minor emergency. My son has additional support needs. 

I parked my car in the school visitor car park inside the school gates and within the school perimeter. 

I was there four minutes during which time there was nobody else in the car park. 

On my way out with a sick child as passenger the headmaster of NextDoor school who was loitering outside the gates of my sons school walked into the road and stood in front of my car to block me from leaving. I had to jam the brakes on to avoid hitting him. Immediately I recognised someone not right in the head for stepping out into oncoming traffic. 

I wound the window to hear him out in case there was an emergency. He leaned into the window and told me not to park in my sons school visitor car park. 

I told him I had a sick child and no time to waste. I closed the window and drove away. 

While both schools are on the same street, my business with my sons school had nothing to do with NextDoor school or it’s headmaster. 

This is a formal complaint regarding the intimidation and harassment I feel I have received from the headmaster of NextDoor school who has overstepped the boundaries of his remit by interfering with a situation which does not concern him. 

There is currently a pandemic. Unnecessary face to face interaction of this invasive nature is an example of people disrespecting the purpose of all the protective measures which are in place. 

Having looked into the existing regulations it is obvious he has put myself and my son at risk of exposure to coronavirus for no real reason other than his own power trip. 

My car still smells of the mans foul breath. Myself and my sick child have been put at increased risk of contracting coronavirus by the headmasters irresponsible and offensive behaviour. 

It is my civic duty to inform the police as to the headmasters activities which are potentially endangering lives and certainly are alarming. It is also causing concern given the position of responsibility he has in the community, which he is failing to uphold. 

The offence is serious enough there are now fines for this sort of disruption, at the very least somebody in a position of higher authority needs to explain to him he is breaking the law and upsetting people by jumping in front of moving vehicles to interfere with their business and potentially spread the virus. 

I am in contact with vulnerable people between age 50 and 80 who are also at increased risk from unwanted interactions not to mention the stress this causes. 


Thank you for your report.

This has been logged under our ref: XXXXXXX and has been sent for the attention of the local policing team.

Kind Regards

Police Force Communication Centre

Thank you for your email.

As requested, your original email will now be forwarded to the Chair of Governors and will be treated at Stage B of the Complaints Procedure 6.10.

A person designated by the school will now be appointed to investigate your complaint and meet you.

Many thanks


School Admin Officer

UPDATE 15.11.2020 

Police “unfortunately cannot take it further” because the perpetrator is HeadMaster of a School protecting school property from a man with a child in a car at an unusual time of day. 

The headmaster was ‘making sure I was not kidnapping a child from the neighbouring school.’

My son and I have been victim of a crime under the current legislation regarding social distancing, safeguarding, etc; and the abuser’s defence is that he is hero and the victim is suspicious. 

But I can see it from his point of view too. Kids do get kidnapped. 

The root of the problem is if they do not want visitors to the school using the visitors car park, the big sign saying Visitors Car Park needs to be removed. 

Whose responsibility is that? 

Wednesday, 11 November 2020


We generate reality by being harmoniously in tune with our self and projecting outward our preconceptions. 

The universe acts as a mirror lens and returns to us a reflection using the best available tools within the environment. 

Everything within that is a lesson. Our task is to identify it in the correct context, learn, level up. 

That is my understanding of Taoism. 

Where people are not harmoniously in tune with themselves, the universe continues to mirror their instability.

A large part of Taoism is the personal journey to get from a state of disfunction to a state of harmony. 

We all have a choice between two options. 

You come into a state of self harmony. 


You are controlled by outside forces and you attempt to control outside forces.

If you are engaged with your own balance being linked to outside forces, you’re a puppet. 

Taoism is about detaching from the outside forces and focus on self harmonising. It is an internal processes. 

Unfortunately for people in many ways, many people live in the Age of Maya which means illusion, delusion. 

The Sanskrit word Sansara used by Buddhists to explain it, means both; 

“Conditioned mind” (super-ego)


“Confused mind” (delusion)

Delusion has two meanings. 

It means simultaneously both; 

‘In a state of confusion’

and at the same time

‘creates states of confusion.’

Only through the process of self harmony can we escape that. The process is necessarily to detach from external attachments. 



“I’ve got you.”

“They’ve got you.”

Does this mean:


“I/We comprehend what you are talking about?”


“Caught you red handed.”

There is a third option:

It means Both.

But you can not use it to mean both meanings at the same time. 


Which universe are you in? 

How do you interpret?

Do you even bother to check your interpretation is the same as the intended meaning? 

Straight vs Social

 “Society is not your friend.” -Terence McKenna 

Society has taught us a common terminology to communicate. 

We are attempting to straighten ourselves out after the compromises which have damaged us. 

Using social terminology is compromise with social structure. When we relied on that world it damaged us. 

Putting trust in each other means not putting trust in society. 

Ergo those who are using social terminology are still functioning within its parameters and therefore are both damaged and damaging. 

To help straighten them out we have to encourage them away from the toxic culture, wholesale. 

Any compromise on healing is insufficient dedication to healing. 

Society forces you to compromise on holistic healing because of how toxic and damaging it is. 

When you recognise this, you make your choice. 

Saturday, 7 November 2020

c2020 ordo octopia

 “I love you.”

“That’s creepy. You hardly know me.” 

“I don’t need to know you inside out and upside down to know how it feels to feel how I feel about you.” 

“What you have isn’t love it’s infatuation which means you’re obsessed which means you’re dangerous.” 

“I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing here. What do you mean by that word?” 

“Well, I don’t know, what do you mean by that word?” 

“You don’t know what love means? And yet you shun me for mentioning it?” 

“I... you confused me now.”

“How can someone confuse you by having an emotion?”

“Because of what it means!”

“What do you think it means?”

“It means you’d die for someone and I don’t know if I feel that way about you.”

“I love my dog but I wouldn’t die for him. I love my game console but I wouldn’t die for it. I love the taste of strawberry but I wouldn’t die for that either. These are things which cause me to feel contentment. The world is a better place because of them.” 

“Oh. Why didn’t you say that?”

“You have a very morbid understanding of what love is.”

“You took me by surprise with it. It’s not the sort of thing you say to a girl on a first date. It undermines its value.”

“I hold you with that value, what’s wrong with that? I know my own emotions. Geez lighten up.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“What, for reacting like you did? You don’t get to tell me how I feel. It doesn’t work that way.” 

“I’m sorry I thought you expected me to say ‘I love you too’ so we could have a happy perfect moment together except I don’t know if I feel that way about you. I’m sorry I ruined your delusion.”

“The L word is not a trap. It’s not a social response like saying please and thank you.”

“I know that.”

“It’s an expression of how a person feels about someone or something. I don’t expect you to feel the same way and that doesn’t matter. It’s not why I said it, I was not attempting to manipulate you. Is that what you think love is, a manipulation?” 


“I’m sorry too I’m sorry I said it. I still have love for you even though you’re being awkward about accepting that someone out there likes you.”

“Likes me or loves me?”

“Well, both.”

“You made me feel awkward. If you loved me you wouldn’t have done that.”

“You made me feel love for you. If you were not lovable you wouldn’t have done that.”

“Damn you.”

“You compared me with your game console.”

“And my dog.”

“I’m not sure which is worse.”

“And strawberry.”

“That I can handle.”

“You have a real paranoid attitude about love, do you know that? You should work on it.” 

“I have a normal attitude about it!”

“Sure, looks like it.”

“What’s that meant to mean?”

“I have a normal attitude about knowing my own emotions. How is that a bad thing?”

“It’s a strong word.”

“Only if you mean it that way. I didn’t say I love you strongly.”

“You love me a little bit?”

“Mildly. I mildly love you. It was more but you’ve put me off you now. By twenty percent.”

“You eighty percent love me?”

“Well maybe ninety percent, since you smell of strawberry.”

“You smell of dog.”

“My dog loves you too.”

“I can handle that. He’s allowed to.”

“Ye eighty five percent.”

“The L word is special and it’s reserved for special occasions.” 

“Ye next time I’ll just say you cause me contentment and see how happy you are with that.” 

“That somehow seems less acceptable now.”

“The lesser of two evils.”

Wednesday, 4 November 2020

2020 Summary 3/3

The best advice I have is start growing your own food. Look up “Cuban food crisis” on YouTube. Potatoes will grow in a bag of straw with a handful of soil thrown in, or in compost. Hardy spinach survives winter in Wales and self-seeds if you let it. It’s also slugproof. Anything else is a bit more work. 

I’m sure you have some space at all available somewhere for starting off a home grown food “project” - this might become more important than people realise. 

2020 has taught us survival mindset. In the back of my mind is a constant concern “covid19 is only a fire drill” - fill a cupboard with couscous, it’s cheap and easy, better than pasta. 

We had decades of knowing we were doing things wrong and we didn’t collectively change because we didn’t individually change. If we don’t do it now we won’t make it. It’s that simple. 

There is good news. We’re learning responsibility, compassion, accountability, ecology, it’s exciting. This is all part of the upshift. 

The zombies/sheep’s - they put chasing money first. That’s the sickness. 

“Just doing my job” 

“have to do it for work” 

= not good enough. 

That’s the death cult. 

We literally have a very powerful death cult controlling our lives. 

Break away from that.

And she said:

“Fucking hell. You've basically summed up what I've been thinking. Small things have led to this. For example, I work for the council. Literally a few months before march every council worker who needed to input any data was given a laptop. We started working from home. How convenient. The zombie reference is outstanding.”

2020 Summary 2/3

There is a photo of Melinda Gates the wife of Bill Gates in the Wuhan lab in 2016.

The Wuhan lab contained samples of Covid19 as well as a lot of other similar virus.

The Gates Foundation has been researching vaccines so they were growing cultures of the virus to test vaccines on. 

That’s where the virus was leaked from. It probably did originally come from animals but the current pandemic is a leak from a lab. 

The Gates Foundation stand to make a lot of money from their vaccines. It is financially in their interests to have the vaccine for a pandemic. 

“If you want the answers, follow the money.” 

Dr Fauci who is mates with the Gates owns the company which manufactures the testing kits. He also stands to make a lot of money from the pandemic. 

Fauci and Bill Gates have both for the past ten years been telling people a pandemic is coming. In December 2019 they told the world it will be here faster than people are ready for. 

None of this is conspiracy theory. This is all proved and provable. This is what is actually happening. 

The problem with the test kits is they don’t work. The guy who invented them spent the last forty years of his life campaigning against the medical industry that they are not accurate for testing if a person carries a live virus, only that they have antibodies because they once had something similar. 

Anyone who ever had a flu or common cold will test positive for covid19. Anyone who had a flu vaccine within three months of getting tested will also test positive for covid19. That’s the science. It’s why the figures are hyper-inflated. 

Hyper-inflated figures causes panic. This means more funds given to developing a vaccine faster. 

Bill Gates has on multiple occasions used this phrase: 

“Depopulation through vaccination”. 

He is a eugenicist who believes the world is overpopulated. 

In the past decade the Gates Foundation tested its vaccines in India and Africa. Both nations are now suing the Gates Foundation because the vaccines have been proved to be responsible for causing infertility. 

“Depopulation through vaccination”. 

This is not a conspiracy theory. All of this is verifiable. 

"There has never been such an aggregation of power in the history of humankind as big tech enjoys today, with money and monopoly, power and the hubris that comes with the unchecked use of power," Republican Senator Ted Cruz

Gates obviously with Microsoft is a powerhouse for the internet. This is why Google, Facebook, etc YouTube have been on an agenda to remove anything which puts the Gates Foundation in a bad light. Anyone who has evidence or speaks against them is banned from those platforms. They are using cloak and daggers, manipulation, misinformation, to push the vaccination=depopulation agenda. 

Please please do not vaccinate your kids. The covid19 virus is bad yes but it does not cause infertility and it has a 99% survival rate in the people whose immunity systems are so low they caught the virus at all. 

The chemical hand soap the state is encouraging everyone to use: it kills the virus but it also gets absorbed through skin into the blood and reduces your immunity system. That’s what it’s designed to do. 

It’s all part of the statement made by the New World Order called Agenda21 which is next year. 

People warning everyone about it have been persecuted and called conspiracy theorists. It’s not a theory. It’s actually happening. 

Watch who is aware and who is a zombie. 

Humanity will survive this comparatively mild pandemic which I do personally believe has been manufactured to usher in a new world order because the evidence all adds up to that. 

Normal soap also kills the virus. 

Sunlight kills it. 

2020 Summary 1/3

 Listen to the Language

Sanitary - to make sane

Dispenser - machine to eject 

A sanitary dispenser is a machine to eject sanity. Crazy-making. 

You are probably a double-think zombie who laughs at this and assumes it’s a joke and a clever pun on words. To take it literally is autism. 

Take it literally. 

The description literally means to eject sanity. 

What do those chemicals do? 

They absorb through the skin into the blood to reduce immunity system. 

This is happening at exactly the same time a pandemic is frightening the world. 

A pandemic with a 99% survival rate amongst those whose immune system is so weak they catch it at all. 

“Most people won’t even know they have Covid-19 and 25% have probably already had it without being affected.”  World Health Organisation, March 2020

The world of Zombies is controlled by a Death Cult. 

“Depopulation through vaccination.” eugenicist Bill Gates. 

The Life Cult grow their own food and make their own soap. Because responsible, mature, educated adults. 

BLR extrapolation

“If it seems too good to be true, it is.”

This is absolutism and the worst type of cynicism. 

You send a signal out to the universe describing your perfect harmony and the qualities you require from a person who would help you to sustain your perfect harmony because they are organically and naturally perfectly in harmony with you as you are with them. 

The nature of reality is like water, it seeks balance. Like electricity, it seeks balance this is what we call earthing. Energy seeks balance and you are energy. 


At some point you mistook a dysfunction meme for the truth. Your operating system has been hijacked. You have some dodgy coding there.

You tell the universe what do you want and it gives it to you. 

Then faced with confirmation that the universe is altruistic and that there is harmony in the universe, you doubt it and assume it is a trick. 

This is a red flag signifier that you are broken. 

People who are not broken recognise this immediately. They do exist. 

This is a caste system based on the individuals relationship with harmony. 

The playing field is the interface between an individual’s self-respect and maintenance ability of their own energy, and the external universe. 

All of those dysfunctions and delusions generate toxic energy. If you bring that into a relationship, it pollutes.

He wishes he had been able to voice this quite so succinctly at the time she said those words. It took two months for the insight to clear sufficiently to express it. She had gone through her checklist of the qualities of her perfect guy and he had ticked every box. 

Her next reaction was to tell him to never message her again revealing that she does not trust life, she does not trust herself. Her insecurity and mistrust of the universe overpowered her sense of integrity. She has no integrity. 

That she lied about her divorce status and later confessed she is still married is an example of why she is untrustworthy. She lied. She lied because her own internal balance system is self-deception.

Attempting to straighten her out, as a member of the community, as a friend, as an at one time potential sexual partner, as a human being being humane, as a person who is fed up with having to put up with so much delusion and too often having to experience the consequences of other peoples dysfunction.

“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment! 

Cleverness is mere belief; 

Intuition is divine.” 

Jalal Uddin Rumi 

A well written blog about Avoidant Personality Disorder

Tuesday, 3 November 2020

Blue Brick

“She comes back to tell me she's gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead

And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow.”

Paul Simon, Graceland

I didn’t know what she meant when she said,

“Bluebrick, there’s a thing they never thought of yet.” 

Her cryptic way with meaning left me reeling,
What else does she mean 
Behind the invisible wall of apparent feeling? 
I thought she meant emotions like a wall, 
Something we would not crash into yet 
Not until long after
She was gone away and missing her
Hurt more than it ought to. 
She disappeared into darkest Europe to one of the many abandoned villages where housing is free if you can live without electricity. Her dream all along and being multilingual she had a head for it, an ability to cope. 

She did return briefly for awhile for a not-long-enough-long-weekend of pleasure and treasured moments, we did an E.P. together, simple and moody. She had much to do and many to meet in her whirlwind trip back here, keeping herself moving lest she settle too long and snagged on roots decide to stay. 

How some people are doing life. 
She’s not online anymore and she wants it that way. 
So fragments and archived memories are all we have of her. That’s what she meant by blue brick, autosuggesting the necessary existence of the blue wall. 

It was not until this week I banged out a batch of 30mm tabletop roleplay ruins for D&D/HeroQuest/etc a recognition struck me, her prescience a lash through my life as yet again her words formed new meaning I had been unable to contemplate until this time. 

This blog is dedicated to Rachel “Dark Dolphin” Bree, wherever she may be. We used to game together, play together, swim together, win together, dream together, but then she swam away on tides more akin her nature. She had always said she would do it and she is an honest soul. A rarity, it’s a reason her loss is so potent. Maudlin moments.

She’s a dream queen. 
You’ll see what I mean.