Tuesday, 8 December 2020

If She Knew Her Name




I’m hungry and no sort of food is fulfilling. 


What I hunger for? 


This is why people travel. It matters not where I go, I will bring the hunger with me. 


I cannot tell if it is my hunger or something absorbed from another somewhere along the way. 


Is this what it is to be alive? 


To improve myself or satisfy whatever lustful need I can’t identify? 


To be moving feels better but to where? 

For why? 


A restlessness deep within. 


Since being here I’ve closed a lid on it for the time it took to contemplate. 


Always, it’s has always been there. I have tried alcohol and other drugs, art, history, knowledge, hard crafts, sex, sports, flagellation, altruism, music, discovering one by one through those journeys they are the of absorbing other people’s paths, temporary distractions to ease the pain and not anything definitive which can end it permanently. 


I’ve studied spiritism, mediumship and discussed with ghosts the hunger, to learn it continues along with us even after we leave our bodies behind and pass forward into worlds of higher forms of energy. 


Yet not all. 


Whatever it is, an internal thing. 


Sometimes it is gone completely, when I’m satisfied with all things and in harmony, by accepting everything to be the way it is, a simple trick of letting go of all attachments. 


Thus I cured addiction, self-punishment, distraction and desire. 


At times the hunger remains. 

At such times it is deep within the centre of my heart, it hurts to go so far into myself to explore it. 


So far this writing is seductive because others recognise of what I speak.


It does not finish there. 


Though exploration of the hunger has taken me through many life’s and many experiences, much wisdom and feathers to my bow, I have broken beyond the awareness of its existence. 


I found some answers. 


This is where the exploration becomes taboo for many are not ready and willing to accept the answer I have found. 


Thus many will reject my answer. Perhaps it is unique although I believe sincerely the hunger is the same within us all and a part of our human condition. 


I lowered the hard shell around my heart, there to protect it, there because of it having been hurt. 


I lowered it from love obviously, the only reason we ever lower the defences of our heart. It’s a way to discover if this thing is love or infatuation, obsession or desire or some combination of all that and more. 


I have to let it go, and that is where the core is ripped out. That is where the hunger comes from. 


All which remains is the softened flesh of what used to be a hardened shell, only now it is soft, hot and fragile, with a hollow centre. And it hurts! The pain is it’s yearning to be complete. 


For men this is how our hearts are affected by love. It can only be healed when she is safe, content, at inner peace. It can only be healed by loving her, giving her more than I knew I encompassed. 


That is how she grows me, reforms me, changes me to become a better person, by letting go of the pains of the past so all which remains is dedication to her exclusively despite the hungry pain which is eating me up from within. 


This is what it is to be vulnerable. 

The intensity of this feeling is barely described by these words which hold a clue. I fear it would terrify her to know how much power she has and her humane reaction, to let me go, to shift her frequency, so we will drift apart to free us both. 


There is ancient art of a cat eating a heart. The story here is nothing new but recognised timelessly. It’s a common human experience because through every generation so many of us are hungry, a hollow deep within our core. 


For some it leads to bitter anger, trying to escape the pain beyond bearing. For others who work with the pain and experience it, who give voice to it, this is how her voice screams through my existence. 


This is what happens when I give her my heart because it is worse not to. 


After decades of being a wallflower, the last single in a group of couples, the one who will not bond because the fear of this pain. 


There is only one answer, to end the pain. To love her. To let her know how much. She will either reject it and push me away, the bond of our hearts sepatratig and no longer creating the tension there. 


A healing will swiftly follow. The hunger will ease. Normal food will suffice to pleasure the body with health. 


Or, she will accept and welcome, we will embrace. The pain will ease and cease as our hearts connect, for it is being apart from each other which causes the pain. The bond at a distance is why it hurts, when it needs to be together as a singularity. 


It is one heart which was torn in two, from the inside out and that is why it hurts so bad. 


This too is a lesson. 


But if I tell her, it changes everything. 

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