Generational Abuse

 

GENERATIONAL ABUSE

A case study of Narcissism as family dynamic.

What happened with Girls Mother from Guys perspective is he set a boundary which Mother, fair play to her, respected to his face. But she did not like it. So she lied to the family and claimed Guy had said things he had not said (1 mention of heroin, 2 calling her ‘unwise’). It positions Mother as vulnerable needing caring attention and positions Guy as nasty for having upset her by saying those things. 

1 He did not say those things.

2 He is allowed to establish boundaries. 

3 He not responsible for Mothers reaction.* 

*This is interesting because in the overall situation Guy is claiming how Girl is responsible for bullying him and for her ignoring the boundary he set to protect himself and their relationship from the bullying. Guy has described that as ‘Girl not listening to him’.

At cursory glance it appears to be a double standard on Guys part. However; 

Guy has repeatedly asked Girl to be responsible for her own behaviour. 

1 to stop bullying him, 

2 to respect personal boundaries. 

To go to other people to gripe about someone behind their back is not respectful of that person, it is both disrespectful and sneaky. 

To lie about what a person said is also disrespectful, is also manipulative. 

That this issue has been festering, repeating, causing ongoing damage for so long without being resolved is because Girl has not accepted what Guy is saying to be valid. 

Girl simply ignores that Guys ‘questionable behaviour’ is a reaction to her bullying, so she does not have to take accountability for her own behaviour. Girl does not acknowledge it all, so Guy is unsure whether Girl is aware she is doing it despite his attempts to communicate with her about it. 

It has come to a head now because of Girls Mother’s involvement.  

This has exposed the same behaviour seen in both Girl and her Mother. Now we recognise from where Girl has learned that behaviour. 

Transactional Analysis reveals it is the classical narcissistic cycle of abuse. 

1

To bully someone (by applying pressure and insults, coercive and controlling behaviour), 

and then when the person reacts by setting boundaries, 

2a

to ignore those boundaries, 

thus pressuring them further toward a more extreme reaction, 

2b 

and/or;

to say that the reaction is abuse and the person is abusive, * 

3

to deny accountability for bullying them in the first place by denying and ignoring that had happened at all, 

by technique of dominating the narrative to keep it focused only on the targets reaction, not on the cause of that reaction,

4 

to outright lie about what happened (manipulation), 

5 

to get attention = energy from anyone who will listen and support the bully who is now in vulnerable mode claiming to be the target,

*2b 

In this case, the target has gone into ‘Flight Mode’, needs time-out to stabilise. This is not the same as ‘avoidant attachment’ although by repetition it can cause it. 

This is also characteristic behaviour of autistic overwhelm. 

6 

Accuse the person who needs ‘time-out to stabilise’, as being emotionally and mentally unstable, unsupportive and emotionally unavailable.  

7 

to play ‘poor-me’ for being in a relationship with someone who is mentally and emotionally unstable, unsupportive and emotionally unavailable. 

The narcissistic cycle of abuse is characterised by maximum yield of sympathetic attention energy for the person who stirred up the drama, through non-accountability of their own behaviour, projecting at their scapegoat target.  

CONCLUSION: 

The dynamic is understood very differently based on one critical factor; 

Who has the dominant narrative? 

This depends entirely on recognition of the targets perspective of the experience being valid or not. 

This involves holding the bully accountable for their own behaviour which  originally created the drama cycle, instead of whitewashing that to focus instead on persecuting the target for reacting how our biologies and psychologies are designed to naturally react.

Related: 

Inside a Narcissists Mind pt 1 : Narcissistic Empiricism

Inside a Narcissists Mind pt 2 : Demon Excuse Abuse 

Inside a Narcissists Mind pt 3 : ZombieLand

Generational Abuse: a case study

Goalposts

CPBT

Somebody posted a slideshow which caught my attention 

to a Narcissism Recovery group on Instagram. 

I have copied it here. 

The pale yellow squares containing questions. 

This is practically the same check-list my ex had me go through with her. 

I’ve literally done this test and answered these questions. 

Here’s what I said:

1 I like you enough to want to make sure you’re okay. 

   Love is a huge topic we can dedicate our lives to exploring together in a best possible outcome scenario. 

2 Yes, I enjoy looking at you. 

   Would you have it any other way? 

   Do you ask because you want me to suggest changes?

   For example I prefer no make-up to make-up.  

3 We can grow together if we make the effort, 

   it involves changing in ways we trust each other to guide us 

   to become whatever each other require of each other.  

   Which is all about communication. 

4 Trust is built over time through shared experiences. 

   So, let’s share some more experiences. 

   Trusting our intuition is our direct connection to the divine. 

   My intuition tells me to gently lower my natural defensive boundaries over time 

   as we develop our trust for each other together. 

   I’m happy and willing to do that. 

5 I am only yours as much as you are only mine. 

   We both have children by other people.

   Our children but not the other parent should be our priority.  

   We’re in this together and it should not be a slavery for either of us, 

   even if we play with sub-Dom dynamics which inevitably appear in any relationship, 

   the foundation of that is equality of belonging with each other. 

6 I hope neither of us will cheat on the other. 

   We’re both as likely to be faced with temptations to test us. 

   Would it destroy what we have built if one of us did cheat? 

   Or are we strong enough to laugh about it and carry on positively with love? 

   I don’t want to cheat on you, if that’s what you mean by asking. 

   I certainly don’t plan to. 

7 No one person can satisfy 100% of the needs of another person. 

   It’s realistic to be realistic about it. 

   We are in this together and learning from each other. 

   Nobody is perfect all the time and that’s an impossible expectation to hold someone to. 

   Because we’re humans. 

   A normal relationship need for anyone is to support and be supported by loved ones, 

   by trying to understand what they’re going through and work to uplift them if necessary. 

   Is it likely to get so severe it’s more than we can handle? 

The answer is that it did. She is professionally diagnosed with histrionic narcissism after her ex before me had her checked out regarded endangerment to her child and other people. I can verify the accuracy of the diagnosis despite my not wanting to believe it for a long time before her mask slipped. When I confronted her about it she ripped it off completely and never made any pretence again. Hashtag Hostility. 

Which illustrates the sort of person who does ask their partner these sorts of questions on a second date over a bottle of wine which is her thing. 

She asked these questions as a 'getting to know each other session' under the guise of "building some strong relationship bonds with hope to a happy future together" (her words). 

8 Eligible for me?  

   If we fulfil each other’s relationship needs we will be eligible.

   It seems a strange way to express that although it’s direct and focussed. 

   Are you sure it’s the right word? 

   It invokes a lot of nuances. 

   What are the criteria for eligibility? 

   I’ll tell you yours if you tell me mine. 

   People pair up and bond for mutual emotional, mental and physical support. 

Coffee Card

Hey Jane, I found the coffee-shop gift card you kindly gave me last Xmas. 

Thank you. 

It was generous and thoughtful especially as it is my favourite coffee store and also because we hardly at all know each other. 

I felt obliged to get you a gift in return. In the usual Xmas hype what I gave you was a bit crap and I felt bad about it. 

It was from a pile of items I stockpiled for my son, nephews and nieces, extended family and friends kids. 

So, belated as this is, as I sit and enjoy a cappuccino, the best I can offer by way of a more worthy present is a story. 

I write and have had some stuff published so there's a skilled trade involved. 

It's not the best story. It might not even be a good story. But it is a true story; which always counts for a lot simply because truth has a lot of value in the good world.

In this case it's our story, which also counts for something. 

This is the story of how over-familiarity can affect people in unintentional ways, and also how that is not always such a bad thing. 

"Who is Jane?" asked my ex-partner. 

"I don't know." I rattled my brain for an answer. It was morning, I had not yet had my habitual caffeine fix to wake me up into a functional state. "My sons cousin is called Jane." I suggested. "She's twelve." 

"Why would a child have sent you this?" insisted my ex. 

"I don't know. What is it?" I asked nonplussed. 

"Its a Christmas card signed Love Jane kiss kiss kiss. That's a little intimate for someone you don't even know who she is." 

"Let me see?"

She threw an envelope at me the way a ninja throws a throwing star. 

"I very much doubt a twelve year old would be buying you coffee vouchers." she added as I read the Christmas card. 

"Oh, it's my neighbour Jane who recently moved in. Perhaps she's being friendly, what with it being Christmas and her working in customer relations she's probably all fired up with goodwill and seasonal cheer." 

"Three kisses? Love? What's going on?" 

"You're jealous because a neighbour who I hardly know gave me a Christmas card?" 

"She gave you a coffee gift voucher. It's excessive." 

"Well that's subjective. She works in a coffee-shop. She probably has loads of them. It's no big deal."

"No big deal? She obviously thinks she stands a chance with you. She knows I stayed last night because my car is parked outside. She timed this perfectly." 

"Babe, honestly it's nothing. You're reading into it. Please don't get so wound up about it." 

"Well she is clearly a narcissist to be pushing my buttons like this. Don't you see you're getting used?" 

"I see you're upset about something which someone else has done that's not really anything to do with either of us. She probably gave one of these to everybody on the street for all we know." 

"How well do you know her?"

"We've spoken socially-polite niceties twice perhaps three times? She's recently moved in next door so understandably she's paid lip-service to finding out who her neighbours are. One time she told me she works in a coffee-shop because I asked her." 

My ex did not drop the topic until new year by which time it was clear her obsession over my new neighbour was massively interfering with our ability to sustain a functional relationship. 

By January I was single again after a fifteen month relationship. The break-up was largely on the basis my ex is a histrionic narcissist. 

Sitting here eight months later, drinking a coffee from the voucher which finally I no longer associate with pressure, guilt and abusive controlling behaviour. 

I contemplate the massive favour my neighbour did by helping, albeit unintentionally, by getting my ex off my back. 

The gift of freedom is priceless. 

The gift of gratitude perhaps less so but nevertheless it is sincere. 

Thank you for coffee.

Black Label Red

BLACK LABEL RED

A short story about modern dating.

c2020 Ordo Octopia

1.  Rise and Fall

With hindsight what he learned about her from the experience of meeting with her three times is an important lesson. 

The principal she works on in practice is tell men whatever they need to hear to get them into bed and then dispose of them through whatever means necessary no matter how unscrupulous and underhand she must be to do that.

Her problem was she was not expecting to encounter somebody gentlemanly who treated her with respect.

Two days before the previously arranged dinner date which would have been their first official date after an initial meeting, she texted him.

“I’m drunk, at a friends place, it’s their party but I want to go home. Can you pick me up?”

Of course he said yes.

To say no would’ve put him in bad light and she probably would’ve cancelled the dinner date which they were both excited to go on.

He collected her from the street her friend lived on and drove her several miles home late at night and she was indeed drunk. Drunk enough to turn the friendly hug into a kiss of the sort which says fuck me now. 

She literally said the words “You can do anything you want with me.“

He untangled before he became any further entangled. “I intend to treat you with respect. I will not take advantage of a lady while she is drunk, especially as we do not know each other very well yet.”

She kissed him again more intensely. He was tempted to go back on what he had announced. He pulled his mouth away from hers and hugged her. “I should go home.” It happened again and he did the same thing again.

Sobering up enough to realise she was not going to get laid immediately she said “You should go home. I’m sending you home.” 

They hugged in the doorway and kissed again. He went home. 

During the dinner date there was no mention of her hot passionate attempt to fuck him. They talked about mutual interests. They ate. She drank another bottle of red wine. 

They went back to her place and she explained that when she had said she was divorced, what she meant was she is not yet divorced and technically she is still married despite living in her own place and having her kids half of the time. 

He laughed, having been true to his intuition that there was something more going on than she had led him to believe. 

He forgave her because he is humanitarian and cares for her, adaptable to her situation. Desperation had driven her to bend the truth a little. It was a test of his dedication to her. 

He also recognised the wisdom inherent in the creed of gentlemanliness. He had not helped her to commit adultery which would possibly have affected any divorce proceedings. 

They arranged to meet again. They hugged but didn’t kiss. He went home. 

She messaged him “I’m going back to my husband for the weekend, for my kids, sorry to cancel our next date.”

He replied: “For an easier life, you should delete our phone texts.” He had visions of her husband reading her phone log and bringing the issue to court regarding any future divorce and child custody. She did not reply. 

The following Monday night he messaged her. “How was the weekend? Stressful or a blissful reunion?” 

She immediately picked up and replied: “Blissful reunion?”

He felt he should explain. “When I wrote that, I was being protective. I did not know where your mind was at. I did not want you to get in any trouble with your husband.”

She ranted.

He contemplated what would have happened had they fucked that night while she was drunk. Would it make him any less disposable? Now he had seen another side to her character, how spiteful and abusive she can be. 

He felt he was getting to know her better, which is what he wanted to see before making a decision to put his dick in her or not. Knowing what he’s getting caught up in. The honour between people respective of this, the respect between people honouring it, is a signifier of how one conducts ones affairs in life in general. 

She told him never to bother her again. 

He contemplated if they had fucked already, she would likely have used it as leverage, alleging he had manipulated her into sleeping with him while she was drunk, using that as evidence he is abusive to women. 

He regarded the narrow escape he has had by being self-disciplined although it had cost him a fuck and a friendship. 

People who are worth fucking and being friends with do not behave the way she had behaved toward him, self-centred and manipulative, angry and controlled by her base emotions of lust and aggression. 

He cut his losses, drowning any emotional entanglement in the bottle of her favourite wine which he had bought to share with her next time they were alone together. 

2. Domestic Abuse 

“So you’re saying she lied.” WPC asks.

“Yes.” He says. 

“They’re both lying.” Says WPC to PC in front of the suspect. 

“I’m not lying!” Says the suspect. “I told you exactly what happened.”

“Truth is subjective in these cases.” Explains the PC. “If you make any more comments which disagree with our methods and interfere with our work we note that to have a problem with authority.” 

“Its called mouthing off. We don’t like it.” Says WPC. 

The suspect sits back in the interview room seat, aware the police are so confident in their abusive behaviour toward him despite the interview being recorded to tape, is because they know they will get away with it.

“You arrested me and I’m working with you to give a statement of what happened. I’ve told the truth. She is angry with me and has lied to you to cause me problems, probably because she’s not entirely sane. A sane person would not lie to the police to cause problems for a guy she was dating.”

“She says you intimidated her on the telephone.”

“Check the phone logs. Neither of us called the other. We spoke by text only which proves she is playing mind games and angry. That’s quite clearly the case.” 

“We haven’t got much to go on.” 

“Is it possible I can counter-sue her for making false allegations against me? After the harassment of being wrongfully arrested?”

“It doesn’t work that way. We won’t back it.” Says WPC. 

“It’s possible she is telling the truth. You should be feeling lucky there is insufficient evidence to press charges against you. You’re the suspect here.”

“That would be a different case.” PC adds. 

“I would like to report a case of harassment against me and manipulation of the police I believe that is called perversion of justice.”

“We cannot take that statement as a part of this interview. My colleague has already explained to you it would be a different case.”

“Would you arrest her and interview her about it?”

“This is tit-for-tat. It’s a waste of our time. You would clearly be making a report as a spiteful act of vengeance against her. She is already upset by your actions. You would not get very far with it.”

“Despite there actually being evidence to support my case?” 

“Ending interview at 13.49.” WPC clicks the tape off. “You fucking prick.” She says. 

Both the police officers leave the interview room. Suspect counts to one hundred and thirty. PC opens the door. “You’re free to go.”

“I live fifteen miles from here, it’s a train ride away, I have no money with me, I will have to walk and it is raining. Can you arrange me a lift as close to my home as possible?”

“We are under no obligation to provide for you transport. Be thankful we are not putting you back in a cell.”

“I was in there for three hours.”

“We have been very busy today.” 

“The other cells are all empty, they have been empty since I got here.”

“Problem with authorities.” 

“That’s what you call it?”

“I advise you to stay away from the woman and not contact her again.”

“I intend to avoid her like the plague officer.” 

“Good. Goodbye.”

3. Narcissism Exposed

Two items are linked below for direct comparison. 

Item A - email received from support group

Item B - extract from text message dialogue

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