This does not mean that I do not understand it and follow it.
This does not mean I have not benefited from lifelong training in it as a perception, and understanding and a philosophy, a world view. This itself does not mean that I am incapable of also following and understanding other doctrines, and comparing them between each other, as well as exploring and discovering my own. People do not know the difference between Buddhism and Budo, the Japanese martial-buddhist philosophy which is less strict and more applied to the individuals personal life path and experiences than it is to shaving ones head and living the life of a monk. The aesthetic lifestyle of a Budo adept is not something which western television indoctrination is regularly educating the masses. For this I stand apart from most people, who would prefer to judge me on hearsay following a slander campaign, than on who and how I am myself.
Most people regard that with suspicion because they have been prepped with lies as to how to regard me. Most people prefer to believe the false reputation, rather than integrate my own achievements as more valid than slander. For this reason I do have a detachment form the general social culture of my time. This being an outsider is for me a necessary part of the life I have lived and the understanding I have come to through much contemplation and many experiences outside of the ordinary, taking me into worlds and mentations which most people cannot access nor compute.
Most people do not have wild animals approach them after weeks of purification by living far outside of the urban environment, culture and attitude, living harmoniously with nature. I know this to be a real experience although most urbanites doubt it and prefer to regard me as an attention seeking liar for even suggesting it. My rationale is that most urbanites cannot identify the truth, because they are themselves untrue of spirit.
That is not my concern although it is a factor for which I have to factor into my relations with such people. I no longer feel frustration at their negativity and broken attitude, the unclarity of their minds (which in buddhist terms is called Sansara, the confused or conditioned mind). I do not feel responsible for educating them toward better ways, having long since come to know the hostility of their rejection of me as a teacher because it contradicts their assumptions and how they have been prepped by people who are hostile toward truth. Nevertheless I stand by truth as my sword, dueling with it only when I am compromised by dealing with muddy situations which have no clear resolution.
That absolute purity by which one comes to know ones own spirit in harmony is something this society is engineered to delude us from easily achieving. Even while following spiritual traditions, and questioning those traditions while doing so to ensure their worth, as we must so as not to become brainwashed by a dogmatic system which no longer has relevance in this modern society.
Throughout all of this, the quest for purity of intent, has led to an ego death which the game players reject out of hand as a myth. It is necessary to wear an ego rather than to be worn by it, so as to function in culture. It is necessary to be consumed by an ego to achieve any desire, such as the need for position, for financial stability. Not seeking these things, I am regarded with the same contempt as people have for degenerates, not realising that it is themselves who are the degenerates for such inhumane attitude toward somebody they cannot recognise as being blessed by more clarity of perception than themselves. Proving this to them is a challenge because not only do I not intend to associate with those sort of dirty game players but also because to reach them on a level they can understand is to speak either condescendingly or in non-spiritual terms about pointless things, thus muddying myself.
My silence is regarded as ignorance by those more ignorant than I to not be able to recognise it as wisdom. And so I write, because then there is a record for wiser people who will yet come, to know me through my writings for who I truly am and how I truly feel about this lifetime with which I have been both blessed, and cursed.
Should I write about my experiences, you will think it a fantasy. Should I write about my emotions, you will identify with it and enjoy my company awhile. This is the closest I can get to a normal human companionship. At times it is a source of deep sorrow. At times it is a source of relief, that I do not cohabit with those whom I find depressing and amusing depending on how receptive their mood may be; ultimately distracting me from my work. Should such a one exist, I have not discovered this lifetime, to date although at various times I have tried and been successful in becoming partnered, I have learned that where it does work it is always envious third parties who destroy it, and where it does not work, the preference of lonely solace.