Thursday, 11 October 2012
Parental Alienation Syndrome, extract
Shared WITH FULL ACCREDITATION and for the purpose of education within Fair Use principles. Chapters 5 and 6 from; 'Where did I go wrong? How did I miss the signs? Dealing with hostile parenting & parental alienation syndrome (PAS)' by Joan Kloth-Zanard Chapter 5, p.30 Types of Abusers Pit bull vs Cobra Two types of domestic violence abusers: is there hope for them to regain control of their aggressive behavior? There are two main types of domestic abusers, the Pit Bull and the Cobra that were discovered by researchers, J Gottman and N Jacobson. They discovered that both abusers are aggressive physically and psychologically. Both abusers will stop at nothing to keep their victim under their control. Both abusers can, and may, feel remorse. But there are differences. The pitt bull is like a magnet. They cement themselves to you out of fear of abandonment and loss of control. They are the stalker. They typically will only aggress toward family members and usually have no criminal record. But they are harder to get rid of because they are desperate to keep the victim in their lives. They never accept that the relationship is over. They keep going and going. If they cannot have the victim, then no-one can and they are the most likely to commit suicide/murder. As Gottman and Jacobson say, "they cannot and won't let go." The cobra, by contrast, is anti-social in their behaviour, usually having a criminal record and they do not care. The world revolves around them. As Jacobson and Gottman say, "they strike without warning." But, if they cannot control their victim, they will move on to their next prey. If a victim can get away from a cobra abuser, there is a good chance, they will survive and the cobra will just go away. There are more differences. Pit bulls have actual physical changes to their bodily functions when they are about to get aggressive. These changes include and are not limited to, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, sweating, increased breathing, and so on. Their attack is not without forewarning. They have signs and symptoms when they are about to lose control. And it is these signs and symptoms that could help reform a pitt bull. This is in stark contrast to a cobra, who has no physical bodily changes. They literally stay calm, cool and collected before they aggressively attack their victims and even during it. Prior and even during the attack, they never miss a heartbeat. Their pulse never races. Their breathing never increases. They do not even sweat. They just attack, like a cobra, striking without warning. They have no conscience. They have an agenda. And that is Control. So what does this mean? It means that the cobra, though more deadly at first, is easier to get rid of once the victim leaves them. The problem is "the leaving". The cobra is so controlling, that it is "the leaving" that is hard to do. The pitt bull is easier to leave because they feel more remorse but they never truly let go and continue to be fixated on the victim and their family. They fasten themselves to the victim and will not release their grip even after the victim has physically left them. They are more dangerous after the fact. On the brighter side, since the pitt bull has physical indicators that they are about to lose control ie; increased heart rate, breathing and pulse, they can be taught to step back and walk away. With proper counselling, using behaviour modification and other techniques, a pit bull's aggressive behaviour can be taught to recognise these warning signs. Since the pit bull's aggressive behaviour is related to their fear of abandonment, a counsellor can work through this with them and delve deeply into their past to understand why they feel this way. Then, they can move forward and away from the fear of abandonment. In other words, pit bulls can be reprogrammed. Cobra's, on the other hand, are sociopaths, with no conscience, no understanding and no care for others. They are narcissistic in their attitude. And since they don't feel any physical changes (increased heart rate etc) there is no way to help them see or feel the warning sign that they are about to lose control. Cobra's don't care about being out of control. They only want to control everyone and everything. They cannot be rehabilitated in the normal traditional setting of a counsellors office. So which is better? This will depend on the situation the victim is in. If the pit bull is willing to work things through and go to counselling, then there is a chance for them and the victim to make things work in their lives, whether together or separately. But if they are not willing, then this is a deadly combination. If it is the cobra, and the victim can wrestle free from their hold and control, they have a better chance of survival. But if they cannot get free of the cobra, they are destined for a life of torture, pain and suffering at the hands of a sociopath. The Alienator as a Terrorist. Is there a terrorist in the home who is establishing fear, anguish, and apprehension in the children? What do you call it when a parent or person instills such fear and hatred in a child that he/she is afraid to love their other parent? What do you call it when a parent uses condescending words and actions to describe the other parent to the point of creating fear of that Targeted Parent? What do you call it when a parent threatens not to love a child if the child shows any love, compassion or feelings for the other parent? I call it Parental Alienation or Hostile Aggressive Parenting, but someone else might call it Terrorism. Terrorism: a word that strikes fear in most people's hearts. But what is the actual definition of Terrorism? According to the Encarta World English Dictionary, it is; Ter.ror.ism n Violence or the threat of violence, especially bombing, kidnapping, and assassination, carried out for political purposes. The synonyms for Terrorism are not better: violence, intimidation, terror campaign and bombing. Wow, some pretty strong words. And what about the word Terrorist? What does it mean? Ter.ror.ist n Somebody who uses violence or the threat of violence, especially bombing, kidnapping, and assassination, to intimidate, often for political purposes. And what about the word Terror? This is a strong one, too. Ter.ror n 1. Intense or overwhelming fear 2. Violence or the threat of violence carried out for political purposes 3. Something such as an event or situation that causes intense fear 4. An annoying, difficult or unpleasant person, particularly a naughty child (informal) Parental Alienation utilizes all of these tactics and more. There are threats of violence if a child does not follow the parents orders. There is the fear that the Alienating Parent will no longer love them if he/she does not follow the parents orders and there is fear of being treated just like the Targeted Parent by the alienator. A childs mind is kidnapped and held hostage under the guise of love, honour and just reward. Parental Alienation is the assassination of one parent's good name and character for the sole, selfish purposes of depriving the child of a relationship with the other parent. It's 'the bombing' of all the childs positive feelings and memories of their other parent. Parental Alienation has been compared to cults while the actions of Cult Leaders are compared to the Alienator. Just like a belief in only them and that no one else matters or is safe. But isn't that what a Terrorist leader is? A Cult Leader for a fanatical group believes their way is the only way. In some cases, this narcissism is so extreme that the alienator/terrorist will kill to get what they want. A parent who alienates their children from the other loving parent, barring no true and proven abuse has occurred, is doing the same thing. The alienator is bribing and brainwashing their children and even brainwashing friends and family, to believe the other parent is a worthless, terrible person who could never be trusted. The alienator sets up extreme scenarios to push their campaign to destroy the other person, in much the way a terrorist incites their disciples to become suicide bombers and blow up others who do not believe their way. The alienator kills their childs soul and heart, making sure that any feelings between the children and their other parent are destroyed. Cult Leaders and Terrorists are really no different in their actions and thoughts. It is all for them. We need to stop these family terrorists from destroying any more children and their relationships with the other parent. Terrorism, whether it is an assault on a nation or on a family, is a crime and it should be penalized appropriately. Until the courts and therapists appreciate the gravity of the Parental Alienator's terrorist tactics, children and their Targeted Parents will continue to be decimated by narcissistic control freaks, ie; the alienating abusive parents. Chapter 6, p.35 Why do alienators alienate? And when will it stop? Why is this happening? Why do they want to hurt us so bad? Why do they want to hurt innocent children? Why can't they see what they are doing is wrong? I've heard these same questions asked over and over again. How can a parent do this to a child? Why do they do this? How can they be so mean and evil? I wish there were simple answers. Instead, I am going to give some plausible explanations. These are not going to make the Alienator stop, but they might put some perspective on the situation and help to direct you in a better way to deal with the Alienator. The scenarios I list below are not necessarily all the possibilities. They can be the main issue or could be combined together to make these Alienators who they are and why they do what they do. 1. The Alienator is so filled with anger, rage and hatred that they cannot see any further past that and their whole entire world is wrapped around making sure the other person hurts as much as they do. It is like they are blinded by their anger and hatred. 2. It is a warped sense of pleasure. They are narcissistic and probably several other things. So for them, they cannot derive pleasure from truly happy and meaningful things, as tjey do not know how. They are so mentally warped that the only pleasure they derive is from hurting others around them to boost their own self esteem and ratings. 3. They were raised in a home where one of their parents was an Alienator and the only thing they know about relationships is that one person controls everyone. If you do not have control, then you are nothing. Consequently they do not know how to have any other kind of relationship nor would they know how to handle it. They fear losing control over everyone, because not to be in total control means you are a loser. 4. The Alienator could have such low self esteem that anyone putting them down or any interference with anything they were involved in, such as their failed marriage, would set them off. They will fight to defend their honour and reputation. They are so protective of their image that they will do anything to make sure that they stay looking like the perfect person and will destroy everyone else around them to maintain that image. 5. The Alienator's own parents put them down constantly and told them they would never amount to much. When their own marriage fails, they are desperate to prove their parents were wrong and will do anything to make it appear it was not their fault. 6. Alienator's have warped views of themselves from low self esteem issues. It puts them in such a fragile state of fear that they are no good unless they are seen as all good. 7. Alienator's cannot accept responsibility for their actions and blame their faults on everyone else. How could they possibly be wrong? Everyone else is wrong. Alienators are so narcissistic in their belief that they are never wrong, that they will do anything to protect their image. They must make sure they are always on top and that it is everyone else who is at fault. 8. Alienators were never taught to take responsibility for their own actions and to be humble when they have made a mistake. They were raised believing they could do no wrong, just like their own parents could do no wrong. Thus, it is everyone else who is wrong. So instead, they were raised to blame everyone but themselves for their own mistakes. 9. The Alienator is so terrified of losing their children and being abandoned that they need to paint this perfect picture of themselves. At the same time, they make the other person look extremely bad or guilty in order to ensure they do not lose their children or control. 10. The Alienator is so terrified that they are not lovable that they try to force others to love them. 11. The Alienator is not a real good sharer. In other words, they do not know how to share love and happiness. Maybe because they had to share their parents and never understood that sharing is not only a nice thing, but it also feels really good. 12. What this boils down to is possible DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Mind) Diagnoses such as functional Borderline Personality (BPD), Bi-Polar Personality (BPP), Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and other mental conditions. But, the more I hear, the more I see, and the more I read, the more the Alienators behaviour fits a co-morbid diagnosis of BPD in combination with at least one other DSM diagnosis. In particular, I see BPD as the main diagnosis because of their extreme fears. a. They are afraid of being abandoned. b. They fear people finding out they are not perfect and become desperate to point the finger at anyone but themselves. They must deflect their imperfections. (In other words, they project their imperfections on you and everyone else). c. They fear that if everyone who is important in their life does not love them, they are worthless. d. They are ashamed of how they act, but do not understand why. e. Their world is either black or white. There is no gray area in between and therefore no compromise. f. They must deny that anything is wrong with them, because otherwise they are admitting they are NOT perfect and thus worthless. g. To avoid the pain and suffering inside their heads, they project all of their insecurities and pains onto the other people in their lives, hoping it will stop their own pain. When is this going to stop? When will you feel normal? When will the Alienator figure out how wrong all of this is? This is a good question but there's no simple, single answer. In the meantime, you can make a difference for yourself and those around you by knowing: 1. You have the power to make it stop by not engaging or allowing the Alienator to cross over your boundaries. You need to protect your personal boundaries and determine what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. Only you have this control. When you put your foot down, the Alienator/BPD is being taught where you draw the line and what you will or will not tolerate. You are helping them to actually understand and create their own boundaries so they do not cross them with others. They can only learn by watching, seeing, hearing and getting stopped in their tracks. And this includes the childrens behaviour. You have the control to not allow their projection to get to you and you can say to the Alienator, "This is your problem and I will not accept you pushing your problems and issues on me. I am sorry if you feel abandoned, but just because our relationship is over, it does not mean that I will not be there to help raise the children. No one is perfect and parents are no exception. It is okay to make a mistake so long as you own it and learn how to correct it. I will not be held accountable for your imperfections, only mine." 2. It will feel normal when you finally take back control of your life and when you stop letting others cross over your personal boundaries. This is your space and you decide what you will and will not tolerate. If you continue to allow them to beat you up emotionally and mentally, you are allowing them into your space. When you tell them NO, I am not going to be your whipping post. NO, I am not going to tolerate your fears and problems being projected onto me, and then you will start to feel normal, because you will be back in control of your own life and destiny. If you have to tell them to "Piss-Off" then do it. But get the point across loud and clear. If it means hanging up on them when they are abusive, then do it. 3. The Alienator cannot get it, if they are not learning the right lessons. If we continue to allow them to control us and continue to cross our boundaries and borders, they will not get it. When we act by example, the Alienator will have to start learning to work with us, not against us, or they will never get their pain resolved. They will always feel abandoned, imperfect and out of control. 4. You cannot change them, but you can change how you react to them and block the hurt. And the best way to do that is to become more successful in your life with each passing day. I would suspect that the more you succeed or make any headway with your children, the more it upsets their warped and wobbling apple cart. And the more you upset this apple cart, the more they try to straighten it up. But because it is warped and wobbling, it will never sit straight and so eventually, one day, it will come crumbling down and when it does, you need to be there for your children. 5. What this means is that you need to stop worrying about why they do it, because in reality, they can't help it. They know no other way but to take from others and make them feel hurt. This makes them feel better inside. Instead you need to concentrate on your success and remain healthy and happy so that you can be there for your kids. We could go on and on and come up with excuses for the Alienators behaviour. But what it boils down to is the very first one on this list. They are so filled with hatred, rage and anger that they just cannot move on with their lives. It consumes them to the point that they will do anything to win or get revenge. Added together, or even in small combinations, this amounts to DSM diagnoses that explain so much of what goes on in an Alienators mind. But is this natural? Is this learned or is it a combination of both?