The Purity Of Integrity
Chinese Politics in Wales,
Turn of the Millennium
circa 1995 - 2005
The names of the people involved have been thinly veiled to protect me from being sued.
Aside from that, this is a true story. This story is in three sections.
Art College Amsterdam trip
I know the city, I had been there twice before already. I wanted to take my girlfriend out for a meal or at least to sit in a coffee-shop for half an hour together. We were there for a week. In that whole time, Liz would not give us space to be a couple together. On several occasions like a recurring bad dream, Lois tugged at her arm, saying; “they need to be a couple together, give them some space; come with me I need some company” at the same time Liz tugged at Virtue’s arm and said “Don’t leave me alone, you are coming with me.” Virtue and Liz did not like Lois because she was pretty, so they both ignored her. Lois ended up wandering around by herself and I ended up wandering about by myself when I was not with Virtue and Liz, who coughed and interrupted and got in the way every time Virtue and I tried to be a couple. Virtue just sighed, ‘oh but it's Liz” as if that justified everything. It meant a lot to me. Later we went to Germany together on another trip a year later and Virtue had a shit time of it, and by then I was realising what karma was about and how it presents itself in a symbolic form we can interpret so as to make the connections.
Six years later after I had split up with Virtue and after I had split up with Tammy; I was totally broken up about losing Tammy. My brother Sid was studying hypnosis and I told him flat out to leave me the fuck alone about it. He demanded of me repeatedly; who did I want, which girl was I after, what is her name, there must be somebody, who? I explained that I wanted no girl right now because I was still cut up over losing Tammy. He would not let up about it and I realised that he was asking me for an ulterior reason. To be honest it would have been none of his business at all even if there was somebody I had wanted. So I told him the name of the nastiest pain in the arse I could think of, who was also somebody that, although I wanted nothing to do with her at all, was almost within his reach if he applied his actions in a strategic way, which I would very easily be able to monitor because of hearing feedback about it. One year later Sid and Liz were pregnant.
Sid’s belief that I wanted Liz all along had driven him to seek her out and have a child by her. This is evidence to me of what sort of a character my brother is. I knew both Sid and Liz and I knew how dysfunctional their relationship would be and how damaging to them both emotionally. I sat back and watched and laughed to myself about it, because Sid was now entangled with someone at least as nasty as himself, which conveniently got him off my back, and Liz was now entangled with someone at least as nasty as herself, which I felt served her right for having obstinately obstructed my trying to have a successful relationship with a woman I had at one time wanted to be with for my entire life. And all because of their own actions and the falseness of their hearts disabling them from following true action. It was my coup. But all that came later, after Swansea University. Virtue was adamant that she did not want children; and I did, I wanted a family of my own so Virtue and I had to split up because of that alone. As irony would have it, or more probably because of cruelty of third parties had it, Virtue had a child many years before I did.
Auld Lang Syne head trip
Virtue had slept with my brother Sid one night after she ditched Liz and left University to study on the course my mother taught. After college, Virtue and Liz had been flatmates in Swansea studying at uni while I was sent to Cheltenham uni. I did not have a choice in that, my father had decided, that was the end of the matter. His lack of respect for other peoples emotions and the tension by which he himself controls others by living on the edge of physically violent anger, is legendary. One big reason Virtue and I had split up was the two hundred miles distance between us; this was in the days before mobile phones were available. My father had forced us both to go to university. He was our teacher in college and he ended up running the whole art department and employing both Liz and Virtue there.
As far as I was concerned, Sid sleeping with Virtue was the end of my being his brother and the end of my being her boyfriend, permanently and for good. I still feel that way all these years later. I got together with Tammy who I met at uni, a few months after Virtue and I had officially split up. We split up because, according to Virtue, Liz had forced her into having sex with a different random guy every weekend at Swansea uni "while they were both young enough to get away with it". Virtue used to get so angry with me if another girl looked at me, she was famous for being controlling. That I turned down both of the other girls who approached me in the two years in which I was with her (one of whom was Liz) did not seem to count for much. I found Virtue's hypocrisy difficult to handle, likely because I had been raised by my parents on books about Budo philosophy, such as Spring Snow by Yukio Mishima, the last true Samurai, which is all about purity of integrity.
On the New Years eve one year after I had last seen Virtue; Tammy and myself were invited by my parents to a new year do on at a local pub. We felt obliged, pressured into it, so we went. My mother decided to invite Virtue; who turned up on a mission to cause mischief in my relationship with Tammy. I observed the women manipulating the men and targeting myself and Tammy, who knew about Virtue because I had a very down to earth loving honest relationship with Tammy and we knew all about each others lives. We were regarded as a very successful power couple by most everyone who knew us, because of this trust. We respected each other. My brother and my father looked at me with two girlfriends, ignorant of the emotions and politics and histories, and full of envy they decided to be nasty to me, because that night they assumed there was going to be a private orgy; the conversation from them was pretty obvious, a combination of encouragement and distaste. I could see the clockwork mechanisms at work in everybody else’s minds, and the expectancy of me, completely regardless of my own opinion or intention.
I asked Tammy to come home with me early, to make a statement about it all as much as anything else; but she wanted to talk with Virtue for reasons of her own, and also to see the new year in with the (cough) traditional (cough) alcoholics singing of a Robert Burns poem 'auld lang syne'; I am one of the few remaining people to know what those words used to mean, it is not what the definitions on the internet say it means in todays translations. My brother Sid sat there in seething envy, my father sat there in seething envy, my mother sat there exchanging smug looks with Virtue and Tammy sat there being put very much on the spot but not wanting to leave. Pressure situation. I told Tammy that I was leaving and asked her again to come with me and she told me that she wanted to stay. I realised that none of these people were actually being supportive of me. So I walked home at around eleven o’clock and left them to it.
They all returned drunk; Tammy got into bed with me and Virtue got into bed by herself and went home the next day, I didn’t bother talking to her or even looking at her. It was quite a few years before we saw each other again, three times we have seen each other again and every time it hurts my heart more deeply than any pain I have known to walk away from her. Likewise I have spoken with Tammy on the phone only once since she and I were split up several years later.
Politics of Malice head trip
Tammy and I split up for a combination of reasons. One, because her neighbour gave her an ecstasy tab and got her pregnant, was less of a reason to me for leaving her, than that she repeatedly lied to me about it. In retrospect she was pressured into doing so by her family and afraid of losing me. At the time, purity of integrity; lies are disrespectful. The dates given at the scan from the hospital confirmed that it could not have been my foetus; because I had been called back to my parents house by my mother on a false emergency during which time she and my father were splitting up.
I had already been living with Tammy both the Midlands and SW England. I was settled with a full time job there and my mother knew the probability that we were likely to conceive soon, because thats generally what happens when couples settle down. So she worked a strategy to fuck it up for us as much as she could by playing control drama’s that created tension between us. Tammy's parents asked me what my mother had said about her pregnancy; My mother had spat out the word ‘abortion!’ with hatred and spite. Lack of parental support is why Tammy decided to abort the child. I went with her as a friend would do to the abortion clinic.
Nobody believed me that it was not my child. I went through a decade of being accused of murder, by people who had heard a version of the story from my mother. That involves generations of her students. All throughout, I said the same thing as I will always say; it is up to the mother of the foetus to make the decision and nobody else. It did not matter how supportive I personally was; that was irrelevant to most people because people already had other plans for my life and my living in SW England instead of S Wales was problematic for them. My own inability to stand up to that volume of pressure was to them proof that I was not yet ready to be a father and therefore Tammy was encouraged to believe that I was about to split up with her.
After the abortion; I was broken, she was broken, and my mother under the guise of picking up the pieces, attempted to put the boot in while I was down by telling me how happy Virtue was now in her new life being employed by my father, working with my mother and living with a guy who is also employed in the same department, so happy that he had taken time off work because she injured his back fucking him when they decided to have a child together. That was when I saw in black and white that my mother was not my ally. I resolved that after all the sex training Tammy and I had been doing together, kundalini yoga techniques of the Order of the Morning Star, Virtue’s animalistic mindset probably was better suited for some guy who could put up with such an unrefined level of sex technique as to injure him so badly.
I moved into a house with Cain, one of my mothers gay students who “knows Virtue really well” since they were on the same course together; my father also employed my mother in the college. I am heterosexual, I moved in with Cain because he was living on my parents sofa having been thrown out of his last place for robbing its owner, and he had nowhere else to turn, so he claimed. He turned up at my parents place for one night only and was still there two months later. By moving in with him, not only did it get a known criminal out of my parents house; it seemed my only way out of living with my family during my parents long and drawn out divorce, during which everybody was angry all the time and I hid away from it to make music in my headphones. My study into Budo had revealed the interesting advice of one of the masters; 'to learn, live with criminals. It will teach you more about life than any academy.’ I have found this to be true, although it does somewhat mar a persons reputation to apply it in todays western society. I lived with him for a few months before getting my own place together once I had secured a postal address in the same town so that I could apply for a council flat.
It was at that time Fred began doorstepping me and stalking me. Fred also gained employment by my father, since he was spending so much time stalking the staff there after the students had left that to my fathers rationale it is probably better to give the guy a position of responsibility so they can keep an eye on him than to have him continue creeping people out in the darkness of a locked carpark. I recently discovered from the very Chinese-whispers of the gossip mill of mutual acquaintances that Fred is now dating Liz after she and Sid split up; Fred had told me all along that he wanted Liz and I just simply continue not giving a shit what other people do with their own bodies as that is their own business. The people who endorse slavery culture are bad people as far as I am concerned.
Just before I moved away from my council flat, I spoke with Tammy on the phone, our first conversation in years. She was drunk, she explained through a gin slur that she usually is. She thought I was psychic because I could tell from her voice that she drinks gin on a regular basis; every alcohol does a different thing to its addicts and so it was easy to tell. People keep on surprising me by being considerably less perceptive than I generally am. Tammy explained that she had changed since we broke up, she is now a lot more mouthy and aggressive than she had been when we were younger. I believe her. She had been curious to find out how she felt at talking with me again. If there had been any feeling left for me it was gone into the gin a long time ago.
I remained single for a long time, several years. I studied spiritism. I smoked a lot of dope addictively, until one magic mushroom trip in which the shrooms showed me that it was time to quit dope, and so I did overnight. Nobody could handle my willpower, nor that I no longer wanted to associate with dope smokers. The dealer set me up because he was paranoid and for vengeance against the sting to his pocket because my addiction had been his steady cash-in-hand income. My parents and Fred told everybody who would listen that I was a heroin addict because they did not like me sorting my life out. I have never taken heroin and I never intend to. I left that county and now I do not have to bother with any of the people who I have written about here, and my situation has improved. I have not done drugs for a very long time. I have not had a girlfriend for a long time either. There have been a couple of women, which is an entirely different thing to being a friend.
I am recognised in several corners of the internet as a zen master. I am a dad now, it is the best thing I ever did. There are other potential fathers and without a DNA test it is impossible to know for sure, the visual gene markers are difficult to assess. His mother is the reason why I have become a zen master and I have to thank her, both for that and for recognising that I have gathered sufficient evidence to get her into a lot of trouble should I want to cause her a fraction of the problems she has caused me. I am a pacifist, and I would rather see her heal, for the boys sake.