Thursday 28 March 2019


This blog is about seeing things in two ways at the same time.

It’s also from experience dealing with the control-games which covert-narcissistic-abusers play and how they get away with it by making their victims appear crazy. 

It probably has other uses. 

A five stage plan

+1+1-2+1-2  =  -1

+1 ‘good’
+1 ‘good’
-2 ‘oops, forgive me?’
+1 ‘see, we fixed it’
-2 ‘whack’

“Fool me once, more fool you. 
Fool me twice, more for me.”

Face Value

If measured in black and white, in stages, counting the number of plus vs the number of minus: 
At face value, we have three positive and two negative. That’s a gross gain.

“The good outweighs the bad.”

Deeper Truth

Going by the actual maths, we have three positive and four negative. That’s a gross loss. 

“The bad outweighs the good.”

We can simplify this down even further.

A three stage plan
+1 -2 +1  =  +/-0  ‘breaks even.’ 

We can simplify this even further.

A two stage plan
+1 -2  =  -1  ‘cut your losses’

LINK to another awesome blog / info about narcissistic abuse


undermining toxic feminism 

  1. Background

He explained to her that he has funds for only one trip until payday, and gave her the option of seeing him the first weekend or second weekend. She chose the first weekend. 

Two days after his visit she messaged him that she was upset because she had already used up a months supply of pharmacy chemicals in two weeks and coming off them had depressed her, so she wanted him again immediately. 

He explained again that he could not jump to obey simply because she clicked her fingers, besides which he has adult responsibilities which take priority over a someone he has only known for less than a month, which he cannot drop to please her demands. 

He did not mention that he cannot function well with a pharmaceutical drug-addict controlling his life with her chemically-imbalanced mood swings.

He had not jumped to obey, so the goalposts had shifted. Now it was that he had upset her. She had transferred blame onto him for not supporting her drama and supplying her with attention. To her mind this is a red flag that he is unsupportive in a relationship. 

She played a gambit of texting him that she wanted to end the relationship, hoping to provoke a reaction from him that he would be upset at losing her enough to put his life on hold, get himself in debt and visit her immediately. 

At this point it should be mentioned that she has a car and a much bigger budget than him, for petrol. It should also be mentioned that he has slept 5 nights at her place and she has slept zero nights at his place. 

  1. Text Message Dialogue: 

HER: “Moved on .. but please still be my friend. Luv u”

HIM: “That you’re texting me at 2am to tell me you’ve moved on, shows you clearly haven’t. Persuading yourself to make it real? I have explained already, I do not have time for relationship games. If you’ve moved on stop texting me that you love me etc.  Go to sleep.”

HER: “K meant in endearing way.  Fine. Night”

HIM: “Hi. I want to stay friends too. Today I’m taking people to the food bank so they and their kids can eat. I’m needed here too. No hard feelings.”

HER: “Have a good day lovely”

HER: “Sorry about it all,  and the way it turned out.  I wanted to talk to you about things before.. But was being a chicken.  And scared of like bugging you or possible you off. (my insecurity issues)  I had had the gut it may not have come across so bad last night. Anyway jyst wanted to tell u that. I hope we can stay friends,  and I hope your helping friends goes all good today.  And thank you for saying no hard feelings ect.”

HER: “Goodnight,  hope you've had good day“

HER: “Lost my diamond out of my ring just noticed the stone is missing gutted”

HIM: “I lost a girlfriend this week”

HER: “Ok..  Who was she then?”

HIM: “Someone who moved on”

HER: “Lol.  Maybe she was just saying it to try to be strong.. Maybe she was hurt. Who knows. Anyway I still can't find Diamond. Gutted”

HIM: “Maybe if she gives me no choice but to make a decision between, 
1. understanding her words and respecting their integrity, or 
2. ignoring her words and doing the opposite which is at face value abusive, and being expected to telepathically know that what she actually wants is the opposite of what she says she wants, and entangle myself into her confusing control games; ...maybe I’m going to choose to put my own responsibilities before somebody else’s irresponsibilities.”

HIM: [blocks her number]

HER: [from a different number] “I think this has all got out of hand. I tried to show love and kindness to you and then it all got confusing. I’m sorry if I upset you in any way, wasn’t my intention. Sending love and best wishes.”

HIM: [blocks her other number]

  1. Conclusion

His thoughts on the matter. He does not send this as a message.

Dominating someone with face-value sweetness is still domination; which undermines the face-value sweetness. 
If she is (as she claims to be) insecurity issues; she are still coming across as dominating, by excessive messages, and even after telling him she has moved on, and even after he blocked her number. 
He recognises all this as instability, which is a part of what he meant by ‘irresponsibility’. 

Insecure-yet-dominating is confusing because it is contradiction. It is also leverage for poor-me control-games, which is very much what we are experiencing here.

Allegedly he is ‘out of hand’ because he does not want to be involved in controlling relationship games, which are widely identified as domestic abuse. The abuser blaming the victim by describing the abused as the abuser is an aspect of classic covert narcissism. 

He decides that if she arrives to see him at this point it will constitute stalking and harassment. In that situation he would be within his right to protect himself by making a complaint about her to the police.